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Post by Hester and Meike on May 23, 2009 15:46:13 GMT 1
Forbidden Love written by Meike
The ban - Stella's POV
The rain slumps slowly down her window. Drop after drop. Every time the same monotone sound. How beautiful can rain be? Rain reminds me ever of tears. Tears, which heaven cries. Maybe heaven has a crush on the earth? Maybe heaven feels as helpless as me? Maybe heaven feels lost like me? I didn’t make a move to stay up from the couch. I just continued sitting there and starring out the window. NY looks sad, trough the raindrops of this grew day. At all it was almost night. Because of the dark I saw the reflection of my sad face on the window. A tiny woman sitting helpless on the couch. The head dawned on her arms. Tears streaming down her face. Out of my eyes, over my cheek and down over my mouth, till they fall on the ground.
While I was watching my own tears and the raindrops, I wondered, if Mac ever looked that exact for raindrops. Did he ever thought about, them could be tears? Tears of a person, who cries them for him? So my tears? Did he ever notice my tears? No. He never saw how hard it is to talk and work with him all these days and after hiding in a little, dark room and crying. No. Mac Taylor doesn’t know tears. After Claire died he didn’t cried anymore, I’m sure. But my tears come all night. All time. I can’t sleep a night trough, because my tears keep me awake. My thoughts rumble in my head. What is that? What is that silly word called love? Isn’t it the same then pain or hurt?
Does he know the feel of love? Every look he gave to me makes me feel desperate. Just one look from your eyes, was like a certain kind of torture. I know he doesn’t even know about my feels, but isn’t it just fair to tell him? No. Telling him would ruin out whole “friendship”. It’s a forbidden love Stella! What the hell am I feeling about you, Mac Taylor? Why did you stole my heart? And why do you break it all time? I can’t love him… No, I’m not allowed to love him. He’s my boss. Forbidden love. Just one smile on your face , was all I need to cry again. Why cant you smile just for me, Mac?
I didn’t sleep almost 3 days and my eyes were tired of crying. I looked at all out of the window, but the next thing I remember, was the sunlight shining trough my window and awoke me. I groaned, when I turned around and saw how late it almost was. Gosh.. I hade to go to work! I cheered myself up, to stay up and walked into my bathroom. Just one look in the mirror was enough to see I need a lot of make-up today, because my eyes were at all red and I looked like a psycho. Am I a psycho? Maybe. This midnight-love-cry’s were grown to normal.
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Post by Hester and Meike on May 23, 2009 15:58:33 GMT 1
Need you- Stella's POV
I walked trough the big doors, trough which I walk every day again and again.
I felt so uncomfortable this day, because I know how I look like.
I caressed my self with one hand and kept looking on the ground, where nobody can see my face. My tears. I feel the tear lines at all, because the salt of my tears backed on my face.
Why cant tears are black? So Mac would see, what’s up to me.
I’m lost in my thoughts and just keep walking my line. But my head can’t stop to work and my thoughts keep me down. They kill me.
When I ever would talk to him, what would I say?
I need you. I’m healing, but it is taking so long. Story’s are gone and you’re still wonderful.
Its hard to move on, yet, I guess I need you. I need you, Mac.
I just came over Frankie, because of you. You kept me in your arms. You pulled away my tears. Do you know the moment, you found me? Can you remember? I saw you and I knew that I’m save now. That you would be there. You would hold me and wouldn’t let me go. Or when I thought I’ve got HIV? You were the one, who pulled his arms around me and hold me tenderly. I can feel you at all. I can feel you warm body on mine. I can feel your hand, when it gripped into my curlys. I can feel your breathe against my forehead. Mac… It’s so hard to move on this point. I guess I need you. You and I, that’s something beautiful. Im so lost in your eyes, but I let you go. Cause I knew, you will never love me back.
I need you.
“Stella!”, somebody screamed after me. I get frightened, my heart made a big jump and I awoke from my daydreaming. I turned around, to the sense the voice came from.
I just had to look a little up, to see who is standing there. Mac.
“Mac.”, I answered, “What’s up?, I spluttered a little.
He just looked at me. Why? Why?
Am I crying?
I touched my cheek with one hand… dry…
“Stella… Did you got any sleep the last days?”, he asked worried.
`No Mac`, I thought. `I never sleep. Never. Cause when I go to bed, I feel the emptiness in my bed. There’s a place for you and when I look on this place right beside me… I… I cant help myself… I start to cry. Mac… All I want is you. No. I don’t want you Mac. I need you. I need you to fall asleep, to breathe, to eat and to feel alive. I need you. You are there every singleday beside me, but still he's just my friend, I will never be that woman, who falls asleep beside him...who wakes up with him..`
“I had to think about a case.”, I answered fast, to pretend that lie.
“You should sleep more, Stell. You know its not good to think about your job at home.”, he wanted to tell me, what’s good for me.
Oh Mac… I cant let the work be at work… I have to bring work with me home. Because of you… You are all time in my mind. Day and night.
“Yeah, you are right. Anything else?”, I said in a calm voice.
“Yes! Stella… Look at you. You should eat more. Get more sleep.” , he told me again.
“I know, I know…”, I said and my voice still didn’t grown stronger.
“I have to go now… And you know what you have to do now!”, he ordered me.
“Yeah.. off course. Eating and sleeping!”, I said and I put a little smile on my face.
“You should go home Stella. Work can wait, but you body cant!”, he smiled and walked away.
“Thanks!”, I screamed after him.
I took my car key and my jacket and walked outside.
My car stood in front of this big building. I opened the door and sat down. I started to drive and my thoughts also drove away…
All this time, he was with Peyton. Why her? Am I not good enough? Not beautiful enough?
Why? Why can’t he love me?
I come to my apartment and I tried to be as fast as I can, with parking my car and running up the stairs to my apartment. I don’t want anybody to see me cry.
I gripped into my bag of the jacket and brought out my keys. I tried to put the key into the keyhole, but my hands shivered and the key felt on the ground, with an annoying sound.
I stoop down and abrogate it. I leaned against my door and touched my face. What am I doing here? The tears streamed down and I tried to calm myself down. I tried again to open the door and finally I stood in my flat.
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Post by Hester and Meike on May 23, 2009 16:00:41 GMT 1
moonshine night - Stella's POV
I set one step after the other and slurped into my bedroom. Mac is right. I need some sleep; even I slept last night a little bit. I didn’t looked in the mirror in my corridor and I also didn’t took my cloths of. I just let my self slump into my big bed. The bed I want to share with somebody.
I ran trough the halls of a big building… stairs.. Windows… I ran.. my foots run… they don’t stop. Up and down the stairs.. Somebody is following me… or something… what’s this? I run trough a very big door and finally I stood in a big forest. What’s this?, I asked myself again, but my foots run and run. What am I hiding from? I feel the tear lines at my cheeks and my foots start to hurt. I turned my head a little around… something dark and big thins was following me. What is this black thing? I can’t say it. It was indescribable. I felt my heart was pumping and it hurts and hurts. Something like a knife pierces me and after I realized the black thing broke my heart, I already laid on the ground. On the wet forest-earth. I pressed my hand on my heart but the black fog splits my heart and finally it mixed with air.
“Mac!”, I screamed, when I awoke from this nightmare. Shit… Shit, I thought. This dream is so right. This love isn’t good… This love will kill me…. But I can’t let him go. Why is this love so complicated? And why doesn’t it feel like everybody describes love? Love… Everybody talks about butterflies in my body… But I feel knifes, which break me down. When I see Mac, I just want to hide into his arms, but to know, I’m not allowed to kiss him or hold him in my arms kills me peace after peace. Day after day.
I turned around, to take a look on my digital clock. 2 am. What is Mac doing now?
Ha… good joke, Stella… Off course he sleeps in his bed and don’t even think one time about me.
I pushed my blanket and sit my body up in the bed. I sad there a few minutes without doing something. Just starring out of my window. Isn’t the night beautiful? Stars… so many stars… But no one shines for me…
I walked out of my bedroom and walked up and down in my flat. Without an ambition. I don’t switch up the lights, because I don’t want my neighbours to talk about me, doing insane things at night. I know my apartment very well and also a little bit light from the moon shined into my rooms. I forced myself to take a shower and made my way to the bathroom.
There I met the first time, since this morning, my mirror-face. I looked on the ground and I needed hours to look once again in it. Slowly I raised my head, until I saw my face starring at me.
I didn’t felt anything. I didn’t think about myself. I saw another person standing there in front of me. This wasn’t me. How turned I into this? How got I this down? Love makes so blind, I thought.
Slowly I opened my jeans. I felt like this jeans took hours to fall on the ground, but I’m sure in reality it just would have took a blink of an eye. I griped my shirted and took it out. Finally my underwear.
The water crackles on my head, on my shoulders, on my body… It reminds me of the rain and of tears. But somehow it makes me calm down and I felt like washing all this pain away. To scrub it of my body. I watched the water flowing away.
Knock, knock… knock, knock…
I jumped out of the shower. I griped my towel and bind it around my wet body. My wet hair drips on the ground. Who knocks at 3 am at my door? Hell.. What’s happened?
I opened the door with a big gesture.
“Mac?”, I asked.
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Post by Hester and Meike on May 23, 2009 16:02:49 GMT 1
This hug - Mac's POV
“Hey…”, I answered about her shocked reaction.
“What do you want… here at this time? Is… Is something happened? Work?”, Stella spluttered.
“No, no… It’s okay. I worried about YOU. I stopped working just now and I thought I have to watch for you.”
“At 3 am?", Stella asked and she made her typical eyebrow move. Well.. This is one of the things, I love at her. She acts so sweet. With her curly hair and her goddess face.
“I wanted to look, if you sleep… So you don’t! Didn’t I told you have to?”, I tried to speak a little bit mad at her, because I really wanted her to take some sleep. I worried about her. What can bring her that down? No case…
“I already slept some hours. When I came home from work, I went to bed. So I awoke at 2 am. I did what my boss ordered.”, she joked and a little smile flits over her face.
“Wow.. Good job, Stell. Awesome. Come…”, I said and when this words slept out of my mouth, I walked a step closer to her and kept holding her in my arms.
The wet towel let my freeze a bit and the water of the wet curls dripped at my shoulder. I hugged her a little bit stronger and now she putted slowly her arms around my body. A strong hug came back by her and her arms caressed my back. Her little hands went slowly up and down. Also my arms laid on her back, but I edged them slowly up to her wet hair. I caressed over one of her curls and though this moment, I was scared, she would hide of this situation. But she didn’t make a move. I felt her breathe on my right shoulder and I didn’t want to let her go. She was the person I cared the most about right now. She is my best friend ever and I cant see her fall, so I would give my life to see my angel laugh and make her happy. Happy like I am with her. She has to feel my love for her and she has to feel, I’m there for her day and night. In every situation I would hold her close to me.
This time I though, she don’t knows what to living for. Does she? I think she feel helpless of something. She would run until her foots no longer run no more, she would kiss until her lips no longer feel no more and she would love, until there’s nothing more to live for. But right now, I think, she isn’t able to run and this brings her down.
So I will run together with her.
Finally I let go of her. Her arms just moved slowly away from my body and she looked at me, in a kind, I never saw it at her. What does she want?
I don’t know, but to put this out of her mind, I didn’t take a step back, but I kissed her softly on her wet cheek.
Her hands gripped my arms. She did nothing, than standing there and putted her hand around my big arms. Her skin was soft like every time I had kissed her there and at all some drops flowed down her face.
“I’m here for you.”, I said, without knowing the reason to help her. She never told me , what’s her problem. This night, I wanted her to talk.
“Can we go in?”, I asked her and she looked as fast as she could on the ground.
She puts some curls behind her ear, which hang in her face.
“Off course!”, She said and made a gesture to come in.
Why does she act that helpless? Can’t we talk about everything?
She leads me into her living-room and told me to set down.
“I will put on some cloths. Can I let you alone this time?”, she asked untypical shy.
“Off course. I don’t want you to get sick, because of your wet towel. Go and put on some warm cloths. “, I answered and I was glad she left the room after my words slipped out. I had to think about, what to tell her. I don’t even have an idea, what’s her problem and she told me all time by herself, what’s up to her. So how could I know? And how can I bring it out of her, without hurting her?
I stood up from the couch and when I stood in the middle of the room, I began to look at everything very correct. I looked at the couch once again, where I sat after a few seconds. Some pillows lay on it and I walked again at the couch and began to raise every pillow. To see what’s under them. I know it by myself I concealed some things behind them. I found nothing, but a few tissues. Looks like she cried some times. Why?
I turned around and began to scan her commode and there I found some medicine… Some medicine to sleep, some for headache and some for not feeling dizzy anymore.
Why does she need all this medicine? I know she doesn’t eats much, so maybe because of this she has to use some medicine. But to fall asleep? When you don’t eat, you don’t need long to fall asleep, because your body has no energy.
“Mac?”, Stella screamed somewhere behind me. “Why are you scanning my commode?”, she screamed at all angrily.
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Post by Hester and Meike on May 23, 2009 16:04:38 GMT 1
You cant hide your feels - Stella's POV
„Mac“, I screamed at all. “Lay these things down! How could you?”
I walked with big, loud steps at him and gripped in a big, bad gesture the medicine out of his hands.
“I knew, I shouldn’t let you here alone! Are you insane?”, I screamed.
“Stella… “, Mac began, but he saw, I wouldn’t listen, because she was putting the medicine back into my commode.
“You didn’t have the right to do this!”, I mumbled in front of myself, without looking at him.
Gosh… How can he do this? He’s the reason, I have to use this stuff. He’s the damn reason.
“Go away!” I shouted, when I got, Mac takes a few steps to me. “Get your ass out of my flat!”
But Mac didn’t go anywhere. He just made his way his way to me. Gosh… Why can’t he take his sexy ass out of my flat? Why? Why can’t he just do one thing, which I want him to do? Is this fair?
He gripped my arm… I freeze and my arm hurt, because of his strong grip. I wasn’t able to get, what happens, but the next I realize, was me standing so close to him, I never stood.
“Listen now Stella… Last time, you never tell me anything. So tell me: How could I know what’s up to you? Last days, you just look like a ghost and you think I never care about you. I do… And I’m worried. So tell me, what’s up?!”
“Mac! Get your hand away! You hurt me! Gosh.”, I shouted into his face and I pulled my arm angrily out of his hand.
“You want to know what’s up? You? You? Gosh. You don’t have to right to ask, Mac! Not you. Because of you I feel like this… I feel like shit!”
“Me? Why? Do you think I give you to much work to do? Stella… I can understand…”
“No… You can’t! This is your damn problem! You really understand nothing! Nothing!”
I interrupted him and my tears streamed down.
“Stella… “, he tried to calm me down, but my angriness wasn’t able to get stopped.
“No… Not Stella! Get your ass out of my flat!”
“You will listen now! I will go nowhere! Not until you told me, what you feel!”, Mac shouted and run to my door, because he tries to get the key and look my door up, so nobody can go anywhere. He did it.
“Mac. This is not funny! Give my key to me! You’re so an idiot, you know?”
“Maybe I am. But I’m an idiot, who cares of his friends.”
“Friends? Why don’t you get it , Mac? Why? I love you! I love you so damn much. And you? You have nothing more to do, then put my keys away and hurt me all time! You were with Peyton and I’m sure the next bitch is waiting for you somewhere! Somewhere… good joke. Maybe in your bed? This is so unfair! You don’t have any idea, how this feels!? All time , you hug me and pretend we are friends… Ever thought about me? Did you? Hell…”
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Post by Hester and Meike on May 23, 2009 16:07:07 GMT 1
The break up - Mac's POV
I looked at her, like a bird would look at a worm, when the worm would make birds sounds.
"Dont look at me like this", she whispered soflty.
I wasnt able to say anything. I ever whised these words to hear, but not after seeing her illness. I understood everything now... the medicine.... I was the reason. I was the reason for Stella was feeling so bad. This moment I really hate mysself. I never wanted to hurt her anyway. This was the last thing I ever wanted. Hurt this sweet woman, was like hurting my own hurt, I guess now. I really love her.
But i wasnt able to speak my feelings out. Just starring at all at my love, Stella.
She is so beauty...
"Mac?", Stella cried again and her tears beginn to fall again. They driped over her face like rain. I never saw so uch tears. "Mac... Ple...Please.. Say something.", she cried and puts her hands on the wett face. She broke up.
Her Body wasnt able to stay anymore. Her nerves broke up.
I hold her in his arms. Her foots wouldnt carry her anymore. Her hole waight lay in my arms.
She cried and cried.
I was sure, she wanted an anser... Just something... Come on Mac. Say something! But what?
Was I really that sure, to tell her, Im also in love? What is, when this is just a feel of this moment? I didnt wanted to hurt her again. no more.
But not to hurt her now, I would have to say"i love you" now...
"Mac... Mac...", she mumbled in his shirt.
"Stella...", I said in a strong, normal, not emotional voice. I wasnt able to tell her feels i think this was a quite silly voice that time.
Stellas foots broke again and i cold her close att all. I hold her hole body. Never would I let her fall down. What to do now?
I started to caress her back.
But this moment, I really didnt realized doing that, was a mistake, she pulled me away from her. She wanted an answer.
She turned around, so she doesnt has to face me.
"Stella.. I have to tell you..." , I began, but i had no idea, what i should tell her now.
"Please Mac... Please go now.", she whispered.
"Stella, dont get me wrong..." I began again, but she interruppted me.
" GO!", she screamed and came a few steps at me.
She grapped the key out of my hand, which i really forgot to hold strong in my fingers.
Unlocked the door and faster, then i could react , she pushed me out of the door.
She closed the door and i stood finally infront of her flat.
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Post by Hester and Meike on May 23, 2009 16:10:12 GMT 1
Realize - Mac's POVI stood infron of the door. Again nothing able to do, then starring on the wood-door. Why am i that silly? I hurted her. Again. I knocked a few times on the door again, but there were no noise inside the flat. "Stella!!! ", i screamed. "Open... Please!" I kocked again, but my nerves weren that cool and shocked like before... SHOCKED. This was the word, I searched for. I love her. I was just shocked, she loves me too. Maybe I was also shocked about the fact, Stella isnt that strong with her feeling. She is just a normal person with hurt, because of him. Just in love. Why didnt he got it? Why wasnt he able to understand, she is just a girl. A woman. I love her too. I knocked and knocked. My knocks got louder and louder. "Stella.. I will stay her the hole night, when you`re not going to open! I will be here until you`ll open the door! " I picked my cellphone out of my front-bag and began to send a textmessage: You drive me crazy. You`re the reason I cant fall asleep. I was just shocked, you feel the same. Can you let me in? I truly love you, Stell. Mac He pushed the button to send the message. I turned around, leaned on the door and let my body flow down on the door until i sit on the ground. Against the door, waiting on a reaction. Still waiting, what will happen?
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Post by Hester and Meike on May 23, 2009 16:11:21 GMT 1
eyes - Stella's POV
My cellphone made a sound. An incomming message.
I walked to the table,where the phone layed. Mac...
I wasnt able tonot to open the message. I had to.
...
Damn. Why am I so fast with thinking all time, the bad things?
I ran to the door.
Pulled it as fast as i can open and screamed: "Mac!"
I just realize now, his body falled against my foots, because he leaned on the door, which i opened so fast. He stood up.
He graped my hand. Looked me in my eyes. I had to look in his also. I know his eyes so well. I never forget them. How could i? This eyes are my everything. No. Mac is my everything.
He doesnt smile. He doesnt cry. No emotions, but I saw it in his eyes.
He loves me.
"Mac...", i began again. I wanted to tell him, I was sorry, but he putted his fingers on my lips.
"Dont talk, Stell. I ave to tell you something now. I LOVE YOU. I truly love you Stella Bonasera. I alway did and always will. I never was brave enough to tell you this. But you opened my eyes . I never want to loose you."
I felt the tears came up my eyes. But i didnt wanted to cry again. I wanted to feel him.
I layed my arms around his neck and huged him lovely. His arms around my body. My arms around his body. I smelt his aftershave. My head beside his and on his strong shoulder. His strong shoulder, which really felt great. I felt his muscels. I felt his soft skin of his neck. I felt him.
HIs hands caressed my back again, but this time i let it be. I want this so hardly. Any more.
I love him.
His arms got stronger around me. I feel his body muscles. He pulled me against him. He doesnt want to let me go.
"I love you so much.", he said. I went away . Out of his hug. This first hug i could let my feels free.
I still had my arms around his hips. His arms went up my body. His fingers layed on my shoulder and one hand got up my neck... up in my hair. I felt he would kiss me now.
His hand pushed me soflty infront of his face. He was a true man. He doesnt want to get me in bed. He just wants to kiss me. I know how he looked at Peyton. He looked at me more different. More in love. That makes me smile.
I felt his breathe infront of my faces. Our mouths were just a little distance away. I wanted to kiss him. So baldy. To feel his soft lips. To feel how their mouths fit each other.
She leaned forward. His lips layed on hers. A shock-wave flow in her body. The butterflys make up her way in my body. I love hims o baldy.
We opened and closed our mouths. They really feel perfect at each other. They feel perfect that way. We cant get enough from each others mouth. Our breathing got faster.
I pulled him into the flat, cause i dont wanted to see the neighbours this scences.
When i wanted to close the door again, i had to push him away and stop out kiss for a moment. I closed it and while im doing this i felt a hand in my neck... putting my hairs away. He kissed me on my neck. My body freezed. I love him.
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Post by Hester and Meike on May 23, 2009 16:12:36 GMT 1
the beauty and the monster - Mac's POV
While putting kisses on the others face, we walked trough the whole flat. I never imangined loving a woman ever again, like that. But i do. I love her so much. And i want her. Now.
Stella wanted me also. She doesn`t make a move like letting go from me. Her arms around me. She never would let me go, i thought. It put a smile on my face.
But in the same moment my face turned in a dark mood. Like it was all time raining on me. I wasn`t able to smile anymore and Stellas deep kisses on my body don`t let me feel anything anymore. It was like, the whole world started to freeze and got far away from me. I consentrated on my thoughts: It was me, who made her feel so terrible. Me.
Im a monster. A monster... She`s an angel...
The beauty and the monster. Stella and me.
I heard a voice from far away. I didn`t realized from where it came. I dont understand, what it says... The voice gets louder and louder...
"Vac!"...... "Bag!"..... "MAC!"
"Mac.... Are you okay?" , Stella asked and i saw how her hands started to shiver. She was afraid. Afraid of not getting my attantion. And she was right. I was not with her now. I was far away this moment. I shaked my head to shake all this thoughts away.
Stella looked at me, like a shy deer, with big beautiful eyes. Eyes, which say: Mac... Did you lie? Do you love me, or is this just a gam for you? Desperate eyes.
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Post by Hester and Meike on May 23, 2009 16:15:27 GMT 1
All the best, comes at the end - Stella's POVIm afraid... Why is he not with his toughts at me? What is he thinking? Please dont go Mac. Please... "im sorry Stella. I dont feel so well. ", Mac said, i way, it dont make me believe it. "you lie!", I said and went a step away. I never was Mac that close, like before a few minutes... After we locked the door, we went kissing trough the flat. Without knowing, where to go. It didnt mattered this moment. We mattered. So finally we stood now in my living room and I pushed Mac against my wall. Right beside is my coach. This coach on which i set nights of helplessness and fear. I wasnt able to take me look from it. "Stella... I... Yeah i do.", Mac´s voice got a few steps quiter. A knife made its way trough my heart. "Dont get me wrong, Stell. I stay this night...." "you`re not going to stay, when you can´t tell me , what`s up, Mac!" "OKay.... come on... I wanna tell you..." Mac said in a voice that ment: oh if i have to.... yeah he had to!!!!! Mac grapped my hand and pulled me on the coach. I waited a little, then i layed my head on his body and listened to his voice. I love this voice. "Stella... Sometimes ... Okay not sometimes. All time i think im not good enough for you." I dont interrupted him, even i wanted to. " I really love you. You are my everything, my rose , my life. You are my life. I wont live without you... but... I`ve got the feel, I just hurt you. Or better: I will hurt you all time." "Mac... You ARE good enough for me. YOU are. I want to share my life with you. And for sure... you will hurt me sometimes... but... we cant put love away, just because of hurt, Mac. Its okay, when i get hurted by you. As long as you will come back to me. And love me , Mac. Love me, like i love you. Endlessly..." I turned around. I layed with the back at the caoch and a little on his legs. Watching up. Watching him. His face came closer. I feel an intensive kiss now. THE END
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